Blog

9: Shame?

Episode 9_Creatives.001

Hello my beautiful people, how are you doing?

 

So last week, we talked about travel anxiety. We talked about how to turn a mindset of having travel anxiety into a mindset of creating sparkle experiences in travel. Interestingly, despite that I was having so much anxiety beforehand, after I came back from travel I felt more so connected to myself.

Speaking of feeling connected, I have realized that I feel least confident when I witness the “impulsive me” comes out. When this “impulsive me” comes out, I lose connection with myself and I don’t know how to unite myself together gently.  Until now, how I dealt with her was by feeling shameful about how she comes out and punish her when she is more calm. But in order to unite myself together as a whole including this “impulsive me”, I need to re-design the way I relate to this “impulsive me”.

So today, in my show, I would like to answer a question “how might we be able to relate better with ourselves when we feel shame?”, so that we can let go of shame and shine even more.

Now let’s get started with today’s show!!!

Episode 9_Creatives.002

  • Today, I tried to answer a question “how might we be able to relate better with ourselves when we feel shame?” (00:07:45)
  • In the beginning of the show, I introduced how shame comes up for me, so that you know what I mean by shame. (00:08:00)
  • To find an answer to my question, I introduced a work of Brené Brown, who is a research professor at the University of Houston.  (00:13:37)
  • According to Brené Brown, shame is defined as “An intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
    Now, it is really important to distinguish shame and guilt.  (00:14:33)
  • The main concern of shame is that shame makes one feel 3 things; “being trapped”, “powerless” and “isolated”. (00:15:55)
  • Shame is constructed by 3 components. First, it is the psychological component. This relates to person’s emphasis on emotions, thoughts and behaviors of self. Second, it is the social component. This relates to the way the person experiences shame in an interpersonal context that is inextricably ties to relationships and connections. And thirdly, it is the cultural component. This relates to the cultural expectations and the relationship between shame and the real or perceived failure of meeting cultural expectations. From this, you can see that shame is only there in the social context. (00:17:25)
  • We also talked about “shame triggers”. There appear to be a shared experience of how expectations generated from social/cultural expectations are enforced by individuals and supported by medial culture. This media culture produces this “unwanted identities” associated with certain topics, and act as shame triggers. Again, we can see that shame has a lot to do with the social context. (00:19:05)
  • Now then, how can we heal this feeling of shame? According to Shame Resilience Theory which was proposed by Brené Brown, we can develop shame resilience by decreasing the feeling of trapped, powerless, and isolated. When we build enough shame resilience, we then can transform from a state of shame into a state of empathy. A state of empathy is when you feel “connected”, “power”, and “freedom”(00:20:18)
  • In order to move from a state of shame into a state of empathy, there are 4 stages; the vulnerability continuum, the critical awareness continuum, the reaching out continuum, and the speaking shame continuum. And I listed questions for each continuum for you to be able to heal your shame easier! (00:20:55)
  • It is really easy for us to feel shameful about ourselves in the crazy world we live in. But by connecting authentically, we will be able to get over it even when shame comes up in our lives. (00:27:20)

Episode 9_Creatives.003

TokimekiDesignPodcast_episode1.003

 

Please send your comments and question to me via contact page of this site or below.
I would love to get in touch with you 🙂
Stay tuned for more!

Emi

 

 

Music: www.bensound.com

PlayPlay

8: From Having Travel Anxiety to Sparkling while Traveling

Episode 8 creatives.001

Hello my beautiful people, how are you doing?

So last week, we talked about “re-designing our environment that can lead us to sparkle places”, so that we can relax at where we are without worrying so much. As the topic was on “environment”, for my weekly tokimeki question, I asked “What is your favorite place?”

Speaking of visiting places, I went on a mini travel this week. I went to the center of west side of Japan (a.k.a. Osaka) for a few days. I really felt like refreshing and I planned this trip.
But there was a thing…  I was SO thrilled about this trip, but at the same time I was having a little panic…

So today, in my show, I would like to share with you how I tried coping with my travel anxiety. But we are not just going to explore how to cope with travel anxiety. This show is all about tokimeki, creating sparks in life!
So, in addition to that, we are going to dig deep into how to create sparks in your travel.

I hope that this information can bring you peace by knowing how to deal when you face travel anxiety, and possibilities by knowing how to create sparks when you go on a travel.

Now let’s get started with today’s show!!!

Episode 8 creatives.002

  • In today’s show, I tried to answer 2 questions how might we be able to reduce anxiety when you are traveling?” and also “how might we be able to crate sparks in this coming event?”  (00:08:00)
  • So in order to answer the first question, I tried 2 things. As a first attempt, I prepared a blank paper and wrote down what was going through on my mind. By doing so, I thought I could objectively observe myself rather than experiencing that mental state. And I shared the insight in the show. (00:09:00)
  • As a second attempt, I found some work sheet from social phobia research and used that to find more about what was really going on. I shared the insight in the show, and you can also find the worksheet I used in the following link (PDF file).  (00:11:26)
  • To answer the second question, I listed out new possibilities that I was creating through my travel. In order to make the trip filled with tokimeki, when these panic attacks happen, try to remind yourself of new possibilities that you are creating, so rather than focusing your energy on your fears, you can instead focus your energy on creating sparks.  (00:23:12)

Episode 8 creatives.003

TokimekiDesignPodcast_episode1.003

 

Please send your comments and question to me via contact page of this site or below.
I would love to get in touch with you 🙂
Stay tuned for more!

Emi

 

 

Music: www.bensound.com

PlayPlay

7: Shikakelogy for Designing Sparkle Environment

episode 7.001

Hello my beautiful people, how are you doing?

So last week, we talked about “designing sparks in romantic relationships”. Did you guys try anything I shared in the last episode with your special person? I hope you did and it somewhat helped you to create sparks in your romantic relationships!

To change the topic a little bit, I have a huge interest in our environment and how our environment can lead us to make certain choices without us really noticing it.
I think that our current environment could potentially lead us to somewhere unhealthy, such as a big cooperate trying to make you consume toxic chemicals etc…
But there are some strategies you can use from Behavior Design to re-design your environment that can lead you to somewhere sparkle.

So today, I will share with you one field of research that could help you re-design your environment that can lead you to somewhere sparkle!

In today’s show, I will answer a question “how might we be able to re-design our environment that can lead us to sparkle places?”
Now let’s get started with today’s show!!!

episode 7.002

  • In today’s show, we will try to answer a question “how might we be able to re-design our environment that can lead us to sparkle places?”  In particular, I introduced you a field of research called “Shikakelogy”. (00:07:26)
  • “Shikakelogy” is a field of research that is conceptualized by Associate Professor Mastumura from Osaka University in Japan, and it has its origin in “shikake”, which is a Japanese term that represents physical and/or psychological trigger for implicit or explicit behavior change to solve problems. (00:08:02)
  • For “shikakelogy”, unlike personal behavior change, there is this person who creates shikake and another person who is tricked by shikake. And shikake works in a way that the physical trigger of shikake (could be visual, sound etc…) creates psychological trigger inside the person who is tricked by shikake. (00:08:40)
  • Shikake needs to have following 3 principals in order for the trigger to be shikake. They are…
      (1). Fairness: Meaning that no one is going to disadvantage from shikake
      (2). Attractiveness: It needs to evoke a behavior
      (3). Duality of purpose: The objective of the person who creates shikake and the objective of the person who is tricked by it needs to be distinct. (00:09:28)
  • I have also shared shikake trigger categories, so that it will be easier for you to re-create your own trigger. In shikake triggers, there are 2 main categories, Physical Trigger and Psychological Trigger. The detail of each category is explained in the show, so please go back and play it or refer to my blog post if you are interested. (00:10:15)

    shikake trigger categories
    This figure is referred from “Shikakelogy: designing triggers for behavior change” by Mastumura et al., (2015)
  • The way we use this information to re-design our environment that can lead us to sparkle places is… First of all, you identify the specific behavior that can lead you to sparkle places. Secondly, try to match your specific behavior with shikake trigger categories. And finally, when you came up with a new trigger idea taking an advantage of this shikake categories, try to plant these triggers in your environment.  (00:15:50)
  • Now you have another strategy to re-design your environment that can lead you to sparkle places, so that you can feel more peace and possibilities in your daily life! (00:20:35)

episode 7.003

TokimekiDesignPodcast_episode1.003

 

Please send your comments and question to me via contact page of this site or below.
I would love to get in touch with you 🙂
Stay tuned for more!

Emi

 

 

Music: www.bensound.com

PlayPlay

6: Sustaining Tokimeki in Relationships

Episode 6.001

Hello my beautiful people, how are you doing?

I am doing great, because I have been extremely blessed to have many sweet, kind, caring, wise and beautiful friends around me.

One Sunday evening, I was having tea time with one of my friends, and she asked me if there was any trick to maintain tokimeki. In particular, she asked me about how we might be able to maintain tokimeki in a romantic relationship. For an example, if you are in a relationship for a long time, how would you maintain having that spark along the way?

This is kind of an interesting point to designing tokimeki. Because all of my behavior design research has been focusing on personal behavior change. But this one is about the interaction between 2 people. So this is kind of new field for me to apply my knowledge.
Yet, romantic relationship is a huge factor in tokimeki.

So today, I will talk about how we might be able to maintain tokimeki in a romantic relationship.
Now let’s get started with today’s show!!!

Episode 6.002

  • In today’s show, we talked about how to maintain tokimeki in a romantic relationship. (00:06:32)
  • In the first chunk of this episode, I introduced you a thesis “Does a long-term relationship kill romantic Love? (Acevedo & Aron, 2009)”.  (00:07:45)
  • This article examines the possibility that romantic love (defined as a relationship which has intensity, engagement, and sexual interest) can exist in long-term relationships, in order to find out if the assumption time kills romantic love is true or not. (00:07:58)
  • By investigating the difference between long-term couples and short-term couples on their level of romantic love (romantic love is love without obsession), passionate love (passionate love is romantic love with obsession), and companionate love (calm, friendship-type attachment), this article has statistically proven that that the length of time is not the factor that controls the level of romantic relationships. We can indeed be in a romantic relationship even after a long time of being together with someone. (00:09:15)
  • My 3 implications from this research were… First of all, you may lose obsession but you can still be in romantic relationship over time. Second of all, you actually build companionate love (calm, friendship-type attachment) over time, which you wouldn’t have had in short-term relationships. And finally, self-esteem plays a key role in sustaining romantic relationship. (00:11:05)
  • It seems like the key for building romantic relationship is in designing your own self-esteem as well as designing your partner’s self-esteem. In the show, I also have introduced some methods for designing self-esteem. (00:14:00)
  • Isn’t it nice to know that we know scientifically that romantic relationship can last even in a long-term relationship? If you have any trouble in your long-term relationships, try to boost your self-esteem and your partner’s self-esteem. I assure you that you will have even more sparkle time in your relationship.  (00:19:15)

Episode 6.003
TokimekiDesignPodcast_episode1.003

 

Please send your comments and question to me via contact page of this site or below.
I would love to get in touch with you 🙂
Stay tuned for more!

Emi

 

 

Music: www.bensound.com

PlayPlay

5: Time Management to Spark

episode 5.001
Hello my beautiful people, how are you doing?
In Japan, we just had a week-long holiday. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did!

Now today, I want to talk about “time”.
Time is one of 6 simplicity factors in behavior design. If we can take an advantage of time wisely, designing behaviors that will make us spark will be so much easier.

In the show, I will talk about “time”, because I want to know how I should relate to “time” to live sparkle life.
I will talk about my concern and questions in the first chunk of this episode, and then we will move onto talk about some potential solutions for those problems.
Now let’s get started with today’s show!!!

episode 5.002

  • I have a problem that I CANNOT PLAN. So, this episode focused on answering my own question “how might we be able to plan schedule to live sparkly?” (00:09:00)
  • As potential solutions to my question, I introduced 2 interesting strategies from books. The first strategy is on factors we should consider when planning. The second strategy is on how to make your brain agree with our plan. (00:10:15)
  • The first strategy is on factors we should consider when planning. According to Eriko Sakurai, a happiness consultant who used to be HR trainer for Disney, she mentioned that there are 3 happiness factors. And by consciously trying to plan your schedule with these 3 factors, you will be more satisfied about how you spend your time. The 3 elements are fun for yourself, positive communication with others, and feeling moved. (00:10:54)
  • Try to look at your weekly schedule and ask yourself “Do I have all 3 elements this week? Is there any element that is less?”
    I personally have a problem that I try to combine all 3 factors in 1 activity for efficiency. But that is not how it works. Take one at a time and prioritize each purpose at a time. (00:12:35)
  • The second strategy is on how to make your brain agree with our plan. According to Triune Brain Theory, it says that our brain may be constructed by 3 mini brains. And we feel most motivated to engage in our action, when all 3 mini brains agree to what we do. In order to make the reptilian complex (instinctive brain) say “yes!”, we need to plan clear steps to the future. In order to make the limbic system (emotional brain) say “yes!”, we need to relate our plans to positive emotions. In order to make the neocortex (human brain) say “yes!”, we need to be able to rationalize our plans that this is the right thing to do. (00:13:40)
  • In order to become a better scheduler, when you have a plan which you are not so motivated to do try to reflect these 3 parts of the brain functions and try to articulate which one is saying “no”. From there, you can either trick your brain to say “yes!” or you can simply plan what all 3 parts say “yes!”. (00:18:30)
  • Let’s try to experiment these 2 strategies to reduce stress on scheduling and also to have more “tokimeki” life. (00:23:05)

episode 5.003

TokimekiDesignPodcast_episode1.003

 

Please send your comments and question to me via contact page of this site or below.
I would love to get in touch with you 🙂
Stay tuned for more!

Emi

 

 

Music: www.bensound.com

PlayPlay